Once upon a time…
PART I: Seventeen Years Ago
[Love at first sight]
In the early part of June 2004, in the middle of the Rocky Mountains at base camp in Colorado, I saw Brandon for the first time. We were out there for a wilderness trip with Cornerstone - a group he was an alumni to but I was just entering. We locked eyes from a distance as I got out of a 16-passenger van, he was across the lot helping the team unpack.
I don’t remember specifically where we were when I first saw Chacha, but I definitely remember being captivated by her eyes. She also had this “chola” tough girl exterior but as I got to know her throughout the trip, her fun, hilarious, carefree nature became very apparent.
Lucky for us, we would be on the same backpacking team and spent the next two weeks together side by side, day and night. We hiked miles and miles everyday and had hours to talk to each other.
One of my greatest memories was when we were coming down from a snow-covered mountain pass. A few of us were slide-skiing in our boots, just having fun - Chacha was following suit. While waiting at the bottom of the snow, I saw Chacha slip. It was a steep incline littered with rocks. She lost all control and looked like a pinball bouncing between every one of the rocks the entire way down. I quickly ran over and stopped her by catching her in my arms just before she hit a pile of boulders. I stayed in the back of the group with her while we hiked for the rest of the trip.
After that, I felt a really strong connection with her and found myself wanting to spend more and more time with her.
By the end of the trip, we were passing notes to each other and had a clear but unspoken fondness of one another.
———
That Colorado trip was life changing. By the time I came home, I not only wanted to be sober and leave my old life behind me, but I had basically fallen madly in love with Brandon and wanted to do anything I could to be with him or around him.
After the trip I had a lot of feelings for Chacha. In such a short amount of time we connected on a very deep level. But there were a lot of things that were in the way for anything to officially happen between us and I didn’t know how to approach that in the right way.
The long list of obstacles would keep us apart. First of all, Brandon is three and a half years older than me, so when I was 16, he was 19. Second, despite his deep affection for me, he had a girlfriend at the time. And third, and unbeknownst to me, he had been working towards becoming a junior staff at Cornerstone, which is what ultimately separated us long term.
However, before all of that became clear, our paths would remain aligned just long enough to plant the seeds that would bloom nearly 17 years later.
[Footsies]
Eric is a huge reason Brandon and I got to spend so much time together in the beginning. Eric was my first friend in the group because he’s who introduced me to it and him and Brandon were best friends so they were always together. We’d end up together many nights throughout the week. We would drive to friends houses to play poker, get food late at night, pull all nighters in Galveston, and go to all the Cornerstone things.
We spent a lot of time together especially because of my best friend, Eric. His sister and Chacha’s brother had a baby together so there was always a reason for her to be around and I was always around anyways. We used to introduce Chacha as Eric’s sister’s-baby-daddy’s-sister!
Throughout the year, Brandon and I essentially played an epic game of footsies but never talked about it. We’d sit near each other at every chance, stare at each other from across the room and sneak away to talk one on one.
Any opportunity I had to hangout with her, be in a room with her, hang out with people I knew she would meet up with later, I was there. I was strongly drawn to her.
My 16th birthday was no different. We were completely captivated by each other and in a moment that felt like time stopped, I couldn’t think to do anything else but to just kiss him already! And So I did!
The first time we kissed was on her 16th birthday. I don’t remember how long we had been hanging out before this, but I do know it was a long time coming. Our feelings for each other, even though unspoken, were very clear and powerful.
[Heartbreak and Utah]
At some point the age gap set in for me and around that time I started working for Cornerstone. I didn’t have any idea how to face that. I knew what I was feeling but I also knew if something between us had developed any further, it probably wouldn’t end well. Or at least that’s what I thought.
After my 16th Birthday, Brandon officially became junior staff for Cornerstone. Being with him went from unlikely to impossible. Nothing between us continued besides the unspoken love and affection we both knew existed.
I had been thinking about going to work out in Utah and my feelings for Chacha were a big reason why. As crappy as it felt, and as guilty as I still feel, I saw that as the “cleanest break” for both of us. I thought I was doing the right thing by leaving.
A few months had passed and my mom was away on deployment in Iraq. Brandon and I were still hanging out almost everyday, our feelings for each other still unspoken, and late that summer, we found ourselves in a similar situation like that on my birthday. We stayed up until the sunrise just holding each other. I had no idea that Brandon was considering to move but I held onto that moment for as long as I could.
He was gone a few days later.
I moved to Utah and that was pretty much the end of our communication.
———-
When he came back to visit I was so excited and thought it’d be like old times. But it wasn’t. Not even close. We hardly spoke or even looked at each other - it was as if I was invisible and I didn’t understand.
A group of us went to meet up with him and he showed up driving my friends car. I thought it was weird that he’d be driving her car but it didn’t fully register what that probably meant. After all, that friend of mine knew everything about me and him, I had spent the days leading up to his return talking about it!
As it turns out, he and my friend started dating during that visit.
I was devastated.
I assumed that Chacha hated me for what I had done and I knew I would never have the courage to face her about it, so I did what I could to move forward and go through life. I started dating someone and she moved to Utah with me.
PART II: Seventeen Years Apart
[Letting Go]
I moved back to Houston after a couple years. I know what I did hurt Chacha badly so assumed that she hated me and wanted nothing to do with me. Thinking that ship had sailed, I kept moving through life forever feeling guilty about what I did to her.
In the years following those last moments together, I would see Brandon maybe twice. Even though I believed that everything I felt must’ve been a lie I still fantasized about him coming back to me. I hoped he’d notice me one more time before I left for college but at that point he lived in another world and so did I.
I still did not have the courage to talk to her. I met someone new and we started dating.
At 19 I moved to Portland and got into my first serious relationship.
————————-
I thought about Brandon often and in every relationship following. I knew that I’d drop everything if Brandon came back for me. Each time I visited Houston I wondered what would happen if we ran into each other, especially as I got older. I wondered if he ever thought about me. I knew people who knew him so every once in a while I’d get an update - where he worked, who he was dating.
Anytime I talked to anyone about the past, Cornerstone, or anything nostalgic, Chacha was always on my mind. I associated her with all of it. The impact she had on me was huge and I would never forget her.
Almost ten years had passed when I found out Brandon got married to his longtime girlfriend. Even though the years had accumulated and it was clear that everything between us was meant to stay in the past, I remember feeling like it was truly, actually over. No more chances, no more fantasies about running into him. It hit me that he wasn’t coming back for me and this wasn’t the dramatic happy ending you see in the movies. As I cried in grief over what I had been holding onto and longing for for so many years, I finally let go all the way that day.
[Sliding Doors]
After college, I ended up staying in Portland and starting a business. I also happened to start contracting for Cornerstone and would travel to Houston regularly to host workshops for them. Brandon was long gone by that point and it had been years since I’d gotten any updates about him. I had been in a few other long term relationships but by my late 20’s I had been mostly single. Since Brandon, I hadn’t ever seriously dated men, so at 28, I decided to officially explore that world. It was a roller coaster and I definitely got lost along the way. Even though I’d never want to admit it, the closer I got to 30, the more willing I was to settle. Thankfully, all of the men I dated had commitment issues and saved me from myself. Also thankfully, everything I’d been through up until this point had kept me working hard in therapy. Little did I know how well that’d pay off in a few more years.
In our 17 years apart, I spent 12 of those years with someone who I ended up marrying, and then divorcing 4 years later. I went through quite a few other traumatic experiences aside from the divorce and I was at the lowest point in my life. I was at one of the lowest points in my life. I moved in with my mom with nothing to my name, super depressed, and no idea of where to go from here or how to get out of it. I had been stuck in a state of bottling my feelings and not facing them so I knew I needed to do something to take care of myself. I went to therapy and started facing the things that were keeping me down. I was able to see the things I was doing in my past relationships that were affecting me negatively even though I thought what I was doing was right. I am very much a caretaker and would always take care of someone else before myself, even at my own expense. Long story short, I was able to find my self worth again and see my value. I was able to see that I made the right choice in getting a divorce and even though I wasn’t looking for what was next at the time, I knew that I wasn’t going to settle for anything less than what I felt like I truly deserved.
I had the idea of moving back to Utah. A fresh start sounded like a good idea and would also help me disconnect from anything else I was tied to. I started making plans and getting things together to make this happen. I could have left for Utah at any time really but I wasn’t in the biggest rush and was saving money while I was preparing.
As 2019 was coming to an end, Cornerstone had approached me for an amazing job opportunity to which I rejected many times. I vowed that I’d never live in Houston again and had a lot going for me in Portland at the time - I had just been published in a magazine, produced a major event for my magazine, went on tour with a client and was beginning to really make a name for myself. There was just one small caveat, I was hardly making ends meet financially. The combination of my financial reality, the relentless approach from Cornerstone and the increasing number of Covid cases began to take its toll. Once my 2020 contracts started getting canceled altogether, I decided to take Cornerstones offer and left for Houston on a one-year agreement just before the world shut down completely. I was beyond lucky to have escaped Portland when I did. As we all know, 2020 changed the trajectory for most. My one-year agreement became open-ended. Though I was convinced I could make it work part-time in both cities and maintain multiple businesses, Portland’s slow recovery and Cornerstone’s high demand made that nearly impossible. In late summer of 2021, I finally conceded that I would need to let go of Portland and dedicate myself to Houston altogether. I would pause my businesses, move out of Portland, and commit to Cornerstone for the next five years until I could construct my next move.
PART III: Seventeen Years Later
[Finding Out]
July 12, 2021 6:03pm
Ummmmmm would you want an update on Brandon?
haha, yes! I didn’t know it was an option haha / omg now I’m dying lol, what could you possibly have to update me on (laughing to tears emoji)
he got divorced
emojis
more emojis
do you know how long?
I have no clue, it looks like fb official in May
oof, so prob at least 6-9 months to make it fb official / oh lord! I hope I dont run into him! And also I hope I do lol
ya, gotta be at least that long
did they have babies?
nope
interesting
July 20, 2021 8:51am
i had a dream about Brandon (face palm emojji) / f u c k lol
lol, was it bad?
noooo lol
hahaha
dude
i think its normal to dream about things that had a big impact
yeah def / i want to see him and just reunite, honestly. but idk how to do that without manipulating a situation or inserting myself deliberately which feels out of line with the universe
Then faith it is! Ill put good thoughts into running into each other organically / if its in gods will itll be so great!
[A Dream at 5am]
On October 21, 2021 I dreamt I was in something like a spaceship and I saw Brandon floating in the doorway. I noticed him and said his name. Then I woke up.
The clarity I felt upon waking was as if I had just heard God speak to me on a megaphone instructing me on the exact message to send. I told my friend right away and asked if she thought it’d be okay to reach out. She fully supported me and sent me his number.
I was probably a few months away from leaving when I get a text from Chacha. The craziest thing is I was talking with someone about cornerstone just a couple days before she sent that text so she was freshly on my mind.
October 21, 2021 11:25am
hii Brandon, it’s Chacha! I live in Houston full time now and thought i’d reach out (girl with her hand up emoji) If you ever wanna get food or something and catch up lmk :) hope you’re doing well (cheers emoji)
Mind. Blown. After all this time! I said I would love to and then immediately got nervous and anxious. Assuming she hated me this whole time, I knew, if anything, this would be an opportunity to apologize and at least try to explain why I left since I never gave that to her and I never would have if she didn’t reach out.
———————
Brandon texted back right away and was very responsive. He was eager to get something planned and set up before he left for his trip at the end of the week. He made it clear how available and willing he was to meet up. I insisted he pick the place because I was afraid of picking something too ‘extra’. I was approaching this as platonically as possible and had NO IDEA what it was going to be like seeing Brandon.
[Reuniting]
The night we met up was nerve racking to say the least. I was so excited and so nervous. I had no idea what it would be like and had no expectation of how it would end up. She looked exactly how I remembered. Her laugh was the same, her smile was the same, and her eyes were just as captivating as they were 17 years ago.
He picked Mico’s Hot Chicken in the Heights. It was a perfect pick - a window walk up, casual finger food, and picnic tables outside. It was an ideal Fall night and I wore my favorite rose print romper. We texted nonstop until I parked, he got there early and was waiting. I walked up to him and nervously blurted out that I liked his shirt, we hugged and then bashfully ordered at the window. He bought my food. I was feeling confident.
We spent a lot of time talking about what we had been up to since we last saw each other and most of my conversation pieces over the last few years were pretty depressing. Hurricane Harvey, dog dying, brother dying, divorce… and her topics were about the businesses she had started and how successful things seemed to be. Not the most exciting topics of conversation on my part. I’m not sure exactly when it happened but apologized for the way I left her and any pain that I had caused her. How I never would have blamed her for hating me and that I was surprised she even wanted to see me. I know it couldn’t have been easy and even though it was never spoken, I let her know that I had the same feelings for her back then as she did for me.
I can’t convey how immensely healing it was to sit across from Brandon and hear him affirm that he did in fact feel the same way and definitely thought about us and me over the years. I let him know that I no longer held it against him and as an adult, I can see now how complicated it was from his perspective. It was never the right time for us.
We agreed to meet up again after I came back from Utah the next week. I told her next time I wouldn’t be such a Debbie downer.
We briefly texted after we left Mico’s and made plans for the following week. Neither of us texted each other while he was gone, I was being very careful and still wasn’t sure what was happening. There was no blatant flirtation or chemistry at first, but also it was obvious we were very intrigued by each other.
[This Feels Like A Date]
We met at Brasil. He was there before me again. I ordered a sparkling water and this time I insisted I pay my own.
The second time we met up wasn’t really established as a date but as we kept talking and the night went on, it definitely felt like one. The conversation was on a less depressing level, and we were very much engaged with each other. The feeling I get when she is smiling or laughing is indescribable. We were hanging out at a coffee shop and I asked if she wanted to go get something to eat as we were leaving. She said yes at which point it definitely felt like a date to me.
Our conversations were very much getting to know you talk - where have you traveled, career paths - in the back of my mind I was feeling like it was very ‘first-date vibes’. We actually talked until the place kicked us out at closing. I knew Brandon was making a move when he asked if wanted to go somewhere else to get food. I had a split second to decide on whether or not to see where this could lead. I decided to see it through.
We went to Katz around the corner and he offered to drive us. When we ordered food he suggested we get everything that sounded good, and so we did. At some point in the conversation I reluctantly mentioned that this was feeling like it turned into a date to which he replied, “I hoped it would”. My heart swooned!
We had a great time and the night ended with me walking her to her car and in my overwhelming nervousness, giving her the most casual hug ever.
I appreciated the respect and didn’t notice his nervousness over mine. I wanted to play it slow and careful. We got in our cars and drove off, texting each other right away. I told him the next time we went out, it had to be an official old-fashioned date. He agreed.
——————-
The rest is history. Any plans I had of moving, thoughts of where my life was going to go, etc. went right out the window. I knew that what was happening was meant to be and I was all in.
The rest of our story has been complete bliss. With the purest of hearts and at the exact right moment in time, Brandon and I both were completely and utterly available to each other and for each other. Every moment with him has been a thread woven into my heart and has stitched every last tear. We’ve talked about our lives in vivid detail and feel like everyday is catching up from lost time. We became exclusive boyfriend and girlfriend in November, took a trip to Costa Rica for my Birthday in February, moved in together in March, got engaged in July and celebrated a year back together in October.
Everything that’s happened since we’ve reunited has been purely magical. It’s so exciting to be writing “our story” the way we want to write it and I am looking forward to all the chapters we are going to create together.
It is clear, in hindsight, that everything lead us to this point. As painful and long the road was, every step was needed in order to be here now. We both see it this way and we both are forever grateful.